Bottom Quotes
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#184 + ()/60 - [ Report ]
A well-known sentiment is that of "every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens".
Less well known are the two variations derived from this, to wit:
"Every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates."
...so please stop killing kittens. It rains too often already.
And:
"Every time a kitten masturbates, God kills you."
...which is slightly alarming. Get your kittens fixed, please. -
#4893 + ()/57 - [ Report ]
// AP Lang; Mrs. Lebryk-Chao asks the class to explain the differences between two terms, "Art" and "Craft."
Shane: As you can see, both "Art" and "Craft" have an "a" an "r" and a "t." So the only difference between them is a "c" and an "f," which stand for Captain Falcon, so "Craft" is better. -
#3909 + ()/55 - [ Report ]
// A student tries to say that someone is a good woman (elle est une bonne femme)
Mme. Delfosse (translated from French): Ah! Don't use the phrase "bonne femme"! It has a bad connotation in French. It means a woman who is... loose.
Mme Delfosse (in English): You know... not quite a whore, but... a ho... yes, a ho. -
#3571 + ()/55 - [ Report ]
// Students are talking while doing problems Dr. Walker assigned during class.
Student A: Hey, Dr. Walker, is it weird to see your students graduate? Or do you feel a sense of accomplishment? Like, "I helped that kid pass physics!"
Student B: Are you kidding? It's more like, "How'd I let that one get away?" -
#3435 + ()/65 - [ Report ]
// Mr. Auerbach is checking CS final projects - a and b have made MASH
Mr. Auerbach: What!? I have no kids?
Mr. Auerbach: But I'm married to Scarlett Johansson.
A: ... If you live in a shack, you won't have Scarlett Johansson.
Mr. Auerbach: She loves me for my inner beauty. -
#3402 + ()/57 - [ Report ]
// Mr. Sleete's class is compiling a list of the most significant events in US history from 1998 to 2008. For fun, they add some "insignificant" events too.
Student: We were going to put "Mr. Sleete receives his first AARP magazine" on the list, but it didn't fall within the decade.
Mr. Sleete: So cruel, but it's true. -
#733 + ()/53 - [ Report ]
// In AP French, the class has just finished discussing a poem in which someone gets a letter of rejection from a lover and kills himself. The following conversation is translated:
M. Beeckman: Imagine you are the person getting the letter. What would you do in this case?
N (girl): Um, I would run off with the gardener.
M. Beeckman: But what if your gardener wrote the letter?
N: I'd go with... the milk man.
// Later
M. Beeckman: What would YOU do in this case?
J (guy): I'd do the same thing as her.
M. Beeckman: So you'd run off with her gardener.
J: Right.
M. Beeckman: Be careful, threes don't mix well. -
#5408 + ()/58 - [ Report ]
// Talking about World War 1 in 20th Century World History
Mr. Struck: I will now go over what I call the "Powder Keg of Europe."
*draws a keg on the board*
Mr. Struck: Some of you seniors may discover objects of this shape next year. However, they will not be filled with powder.
